ohnoitsshirley | (no subject)

Author: TopazAngel
Title: Haunted
Ship/Character: Wesley/Lilah, Implied Wes/Fred
Rating: PG
Spoilers: None really. It takes place somewhere right after Lilah’s death in S4
Distribution: My site, anyone else ask and ye shall receive
Feedback: Please. Its my drug.
Disclaimer: I don’t own Wes or any other character that is mentioned in this story. Joss and Co own all.
Notes: This isn't the story I had in mind. I don't know where it came from.

I still see her face when I sleep. When it started I thought it was guilt. Guilt that I wasn’t there. Guilt that I had let him get to her. That once again I had messed up. Because that’s what I did. I messed up.

But that wasn’t it at all. It wasn’t guilt. No. Guilt wasn’t this strong. Guilt didn’t have this pull, this effect. The reason I could not let her go was more complex. It was something I wanted to leave buried inside for the longest time.

I still couldn’t admit it out loud to this day. The fear that the people who were finally beginning to trust me again, may turn their backs on me for a second time kept this secret from coming out. The fear that I would disappoint them. Again. That I would disappoint her.

I never stopped loving her. But somewhere a long the way, the love I had for the sweet and innocent physicist had changed. I discovered that it was better left unsaid, like things often are. Too much time had past for anything to ever come of it.

And somewhere along the line the late nights with Lilah became more. I saw sides of her that none of the people I associated with would believe existed. She was more than just the evil, conniving, manipulating woman they all thought she was. She had a softer side. She, like all other people on this world, wanted affection. She wanted to be seen for what she was. A person with feelings just like any other person.

I didn’t even want to believe it myself at first. But there was one moment in particular that I knew. That I finally admitted to myself that we were more than just sexual partners.

It was after the rain of fire. Up until that point I was completely convinced that Lilah was completely unfeeling, but when she showed up at my door, concerned for me, I knew. There was more to us than I wanted to believe.

But still I couldn’t admit it. Especially not to her. Not that she was any better. She came closer than me though. That day in the tunnel, the day I told her to leave LA. I had convinced myself that it was in my head, but I know how close she came to admitting her feelings that day. There’s something about the end of the world that makes you want to reveal things you never thought you would. But she didn’t. And that was it. I was sure that was the end of it.

And then she came back. But it didn’t last long. I wasn’t there to save her. Another thing I will always regret. I fell for Angelus’ lie, and the cost was too high. I regret it everyday. I wish I could change things. But I can’t.

And now I live with the guilt everyday and every night in my dreams. Her face is still the first thing I see when I wake up and the last thing I see when I fall asleep at night, and I don’t think that will ever change.

I’m haunted by her. Not literally, but emotionally, everyday. And I don’t think I would have it any other way.