Angsty C/X Fic for Rain Fic A Thon
Mar. 4th, 2004 10:47 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ohnoitsshirleyAuthor: TopazAngel
Title: Weakness
Rating: PG
Word count: 947
Fandom: Buffy
Genre: Angst
Pairing: Cordelia/Xander
Spoilers: None
Teaser: Cordelia thinks about things after catching Xander with Willow.
Distribution: cff.net and anyone else who may ask.
Feedback: I need it.
Disclaimer: Not mine. Joss'.
Dedication: Rainie. Written for the RainieFicAThon.
Cordelia wanted to curl up and die.
Most of the time she wished that gash in the stomach had been just a little higher. That it had killed her.
She wouldn’t have to be here now. Feeling sorry for herself over an asshole like Xander Harris.
Because that was something Cordelia didn’t do. She didn’t feel sorry for herself. And she didn’t get broken hearted over some guy.
Not this guy.
She found herself trying to figure out when things had changed.
When had Xander Harris become this guy she let hurt her like this. He was nothing. A loser. A coward. Everything she never wanted.
But he could be sweet. And he could be loving.
And he was a good kisser. She frowned even thinking about it. There were times when they were together where she could see them together, even after high school. After college.
Forever.
She mentally kicked herself. She couldn’t have these thoughts. Couldn’t think about what could have been.
Because it wasn’t.
It was all a lie. Their relationship. Those late night conversations about them. About how much he cared about her. About how he didn’t want to hurt her.
He had lied. Betrayed. Cheated.
With her friend.
She loved him. She never told him. But she did. More than she ever thought she could. More than she should have.
She wanted him with her now. Close to her. Kissing her.
She immediately kicked that thought from her head. She couldn’t want him. Couldn’t think about the good times they had had. Because it meant nothing.
To him anyway.
To her it had meant everything.
She had changed for the better. Because of him. She wasn’t the cold bitch she always had been. She cared. She thought of others. Well, she tried to care anyway. Sometimes her old self would come out to insult Buffy’s hair or Willow’s clothing, but the important thing was that he made her want to be better.
Being with him had made her realize there was so much more to life than the money and the popularity.
There was friendship. There was caring. And more than anything, there was love.
He had shown her it was okay to love. No matter what the circumstance.
And now she had to face the truth.
To him it was nothing. Just fun. If even that.
He had meant so much to her, and he used her. For a make out buddy.
This whole time. She had known. Known that in the end Willow and Buffy were both more important to him than she could ever be.
And the fact that now she had proof of that hurt more than anything. All the times he had told her that wasn’t true. Lies.
And she knew.
And she didn’t do anything to keep herself from getting hurt.
She let herself fall deeper and deeper for him until she had reached the point where she was so sure nothing could ever get in the way.
And it did. Willow did.
Willow. And Xander. Together. And she had seen them. She didn’t want to let herself think about what she could have seen if she and Oz had walked in only moments later.
She gulped down the tears that were welling up in her eyes.
Where was he now? She could imagine. He was with her. Kissing her. Holding her. Doing things with Willow that he should have been doing with her.
And she was here. Lying in this hospital bed. Because of them. Because she couldn’t bear to see them like that.
Intertwined.
Did he love Willow? Had he loved her? Had she meant anything to him?
These were the questions that lingered on Cordelia’s mind. She didn’t want to think about it all, and yet she couldn’t help it.
She wanted to know why.
Why he had done this to her. Why he had turned her into this crying ball of mess when she was supposed to be strong. This wasn’t her. She wasn’t supposed to cry. She was tough. These things didn’t get to her.
And because of him, it was. She was lying here. Crying. Wanting him back.
She could kill him for this. For making her love him. And for turning his back on her. But she wouldn’t. She would see him, and ask him why. She knew she would. She needed to know.
She stared into space. Blank. Not crying. Attempting not to let herself feel.
There was a knock on the door. She turned.
Xander. Standing there. Looking sorry. With flowers. He walked over and sat in chair by the bed.
“Xander?” she said weekly.
She told herself that she couldn’t show him that she cared. That she was hurt.
“Stay away from me,” was all she would let herself stay.
There was so much more she wanted to say. To ask.
But she couldn’t. And she turned away from him.
Staring back at the wall. Anything to keep from looking at him. From seeing the look on his face. That would only make it worse.
She waited until she knew he was gone. Until she knew no one could see her.
She began to cry. Tears streamed down her cheeks.
And she stopped.
This wasn’t her. She wasn’t weak. No one could see her like this. Xander Harris wasn’t going to do this to her.
And she decided.
She was going to show him. She was going to show them. That they couldn’t hurt her. That she was strong. And she could make it.
She wiped the dry tears from her cheeks. Her face hardened. She wasn’t crying anymore.
She wasn’t going to cry anymore.
End.
Title: Weakness
Rating: PG
Word count: 947
Fandom: Buffy
Genre: Angst
Pairing: Cordelia/Xander
Spoilers: None
Teaser: Cordelia thinks about things after catching Xander with Willow.
Distribution: cff.net and anyone else who may ask.
Feedback: I need it.
Disclaimer: Not mine. Joss'.
Dedication: Rainie. Written for the RainieFicAThon.
Cordelia wanted to curl up and die.
Most of the time she wished that gash in the stomach had been just a little higher. That it had killed her.
She wouldn’t have to be here now. Feeling sorry for herself over an asshole like Xander Harris.
Because that was something Cordelia didn’t do. She didn’t feel sorry for herself. And she didn’t get broken hearted over some guy.
Not this guy.
She found herself trying to figure out when things had changed.
When had Xander Harris become this guy she let hurt her like this. He was nothing. A loser. A coward. Everything she never wanted.
But he could be sweet. And he could be loving.
And he was a good kisser. She frowned even thinking about it. There were times when they were together where she could see them together, even after high school. After college.
Forever.
She mentally kicked herself. She couldn’t have these thoughts. Couldn’t think about what could have been.
Because it wasn’t.
It was all a lie. Their relationship. Those late night conversations about them. About how much he cared about her. About how he didn’t want to hurt her.
He had lied. Betrayed. Cheated.
With her friend.
She loved him. She never told him. But she did. More than she ever thought she could. More than she should have.
She wanted him with her now. Close to her. Kissing her.
She immediately kicked that thought from her head. She couldn’t want him. Couldn’t think about the good times they had had. Because it meant nothing.
To him anyway.
To her it had meant everything.
She had changed for the better. Because of him. She wasn’t the cold bitch she always had been. She cared. She thought of others. Well, she tried to care anyway. Sometimes her old self would come out to insult Buffy’s hair or Willow’s clothing, but the important thing was that he made her want to be better.
Being with him had made her realize there was so much more to life than the money and the popularity.
There was friendship. There was caring. And more than anything, there was love.
He had shown her it was okay to love. No matter what the circumstance.
And now she had to face the truth.
To him it was nothing. Just fun. If even that.
He had meant so much to her, and he used her. For a make out buddy.
This whole time. She had known. Known that in the end Willow and Buffy were both more important to him than she could ever be.
And the fact that now she had proof of that hurt more than anything. All the times he had told her that wasn’t true. Lies.
And she knew.
And she didn’t do anything to keep herself from getting hurt.
She let herself fall deeper and deeper for him until she had reached the point where she was so sure nothing could ever get in the way.
And it did. Willow did.
Willow. And Xander. Together. And she had seen them. She didn’t want to let herself think about what she could have seen if she and Oz had walked in only moments later.
She gulped down the tears that were welling up in her eyes.
Where was he now? She could imagine. He was with her. Kissing her. Holding her. Doing things with Willow that he should have been doing with her.
And she was here. Lying in this hospital bed. Because of them. Because she couldn’t bear to see them like that.
Intertwined.
Did he love Willow? Had he loved her? Had she meant anything to him?
These were the questions that lingered on Cordelia’s mind. She didn’t want to think about it all, and yet she couldn’t help it.
She wanted to know why.
Why he had done this to her. Why he had turned her into this crying ball of mess when she was supposed to be strong. This wasn’t her. She wasn’t supposed to cry. She was tough. These things didn’t get to her.
And because of him, it was. She was lying here. Crying. Wanting him back.
She could kill him for this. For making her love him. And for turning his back on her. But she wouldn’t. She would see him, and ask him why. She knew she would. She needed to know.
She stared into space. Blank. Not crying. Attempting not to let herself feel.
There was a knock on the door. She turned.
Xander. Standing there. Looking sorry. With flowers. He walked over and sat in chair by the bed.
“Xander?” she said weekly.
She told herself that she couldn’t show him that she cared. That she was hurt.
“Stay away from me,” was all she would let herself stay.
There was so much more she wanted to say. To ask.
But she couldn’t. And she turned away from him.
Staring back at the wall. Anything to keep from looking at him. From seeing the look on his face. That would only make it worse.
She waited until she knew he was gone. Until she knew no one could see her.
She began to cry. Tears streamed down her cheeks.
And she stopped.
This wasn’t her. She wasn’t weak. No one could see her like this. Xander Harris wasn’t going to do this to her.
And she decided.
She was going to show him. She was going to show them. That they couldn’t hurt her. That she was strong. And she could make it.
She wiped the dry tears from her cheeks. Her face hardened. She wasn’t crying anymore.
She wasn’t going to cry anymore.
End.
no subject
Date: 2004-03-04 09:01 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-03-04 09:02 pm (UTC)*sigh* Sometimes I wish my muse could write HAPPY characters though.
no subject
Date: 2004-03-04 09:05 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-03-04 09:09 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-03-04 09:12 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-03-04 09:13 pm (UTC)I still need to write something happy. lmao
no subject
Date: 2004-03-04 09:16 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-03-04 09:17 pm (UTC)That seems to be a slight issue within our group. *nods*
no subject
Date: 2004-03-04 09:18 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-03-04 09:20 pm (UTC)I know this feeling well.
There may be some slight happy in the middle. And possibly a hopeful ending.
But my "happy" endings? I've noticed they are almost always left open and unsure.
no subject
Date: 2004-03-04 09:22 pm (UTC)I think my last remotely happy ending? *thinks hard* Maybe my Anya/Andrew piece, and that wasn't even technically a happy ending. The whole fic was happy and carefree until the end.
*eyes it*
no subject
Date: 2004-03-04 09:26 pm (UTC)We're writting a friggin DAWSON'S CREEK FIC and we can't get it to be FRIGGIN HAPPY for on part.
*eyes us*
no subject
Date: 2004-03-04 09:28 pm (UTC)One day we'll find happy, Toppie. One day.
no subject
Date: 2004-03-04 09:07 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-03-05 12:19 am (UTC)I loved it, good old Cordy/Xander fic, you even got me really hating him for awhile and that's hard because I love the buttmonkey so much.
You could try sunshine and lollipops songs to bring out your happy muse, but I'm still loving your angst muse for this fic.
no subject
Date: 2004-03-05 07:45 pm (UTC)