And Our Lives Are Forever Changed - 2/2
Jun. 16th, 2008 12:32 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ohnoitsshirley"So, November 22nd," Spencer says. "And Brendon says you have to be there or he'll send me after you. I don't know what he thinks I'm going to do, but you know."
"He thinks you can kick my ass, Spence. It's okay. He's probably right," Jon says. "November 22nd. Okay. I think I can do that. I mean, it's right near Cassie's due date, but if she's okay with it, you know I'll be there."
"Oh, hey, Brendon said you were looking for a new place. Did you find one?" Jon's been talking to Brendon more than Spencer or Ryan. Brendon calls him at least once a week now, just to just talk and sometimes give him some sort of update about where the band is.
"Not yet," Jon says, shrugging as if Spencer can see him through the phone line. "If it's not until after the baby comes, it's fine. We're not in a rush, I guess. I mean, I'm not. I think Cassie's going a little crazy in this tiny apartment. She yelled at me the other day for...something. I'm not sure what, but I think it involved milk."
Jon actually isn't sure whether he's getting on Cassie's nerves lately, or if it's just stress and hormones, but she's been yelling at him a lot. He figures he probably deserves it, so he doesn't say anything.
"I'm sure after the baby comes it'll be better," Spencer says and then, "Yeah, okay. Okay, I have rehearsal, so I'll see you on the 22nd? Just do me a favor and call if you can't make it, because I have a feeling Brendon really would send me after you. I don't want to have to break your legs, Jon."
"Of course," Jon says. "Bye, Spence."
Spencer says goodbye, too, and hangs up the phone. Jon's break is over, and he has to go back to work.
-
Jon drags Tom along to see Panic's show. They told him to bring Cassie along, that they all want to see her, but she isn't really feeling well and the doctor has told them it could be any time now, so Tom got the extra ticket. It's been longer since he's seen Panic than Jon, and while Tom was never really close with them, never even really liked their music, he's not against the idea of seeing their show.
They wander backstage sometime between soundcheck and time for the show to start. Zack takes Jon and Tom back to the dressing room, which is currently empty, and says he'll go find the guys.
"I feel kind of bad leaving Cassie," Jon says, drumming his fingers on his thighs. "She looked really sick when I left."
"Dude, she told you to come. She'll be fine," Tom says. "I can go if you want, keep an eye on her and call you if anything happens."
"Nah, no. It's okay. She'll call." Jon is just feeling nervous. He's been sort of jumpy lately, since it's so close to Cassie's due date. Any day now, and he's going to be a father. It's all kind of unreal, and a little scary.
"Jon Walker!" The door opens and Brendon is standing there, all smiles and open arms, and Jon missed him a lot more than he realized, especially considering the fact that they speak so often. "And Tom Conrad! I heard about..." Brendon trails off, his smile dropping slightly. "I'm sorry about that, man."
Tom shrugs, says, "It happens," and doesn't offer anything else. Jon still hasn't gotten him to talk about what happened with the Academy. Jon doesn't think he'll ever talk about it, and that's okay. Tom has his own way of dealing with things, and talking it out has never really been one of them.
"Where are Ryan and Spencer?" Jon asks, deciding that he needs to be the one to change the subject.
"Oh, they're around. I don't know. Zack said you were here, so I sort of ran." If Jon didn't know any better he would think Brendon was embarrassed. Luckily, he knows Brendon doesn't actually get embarrassed about, like, anything.
"Have you recovered from being hit in the head with a bottle yet?" Jon grins at him. "Spencer said you've lost some brain function."
"Spencer is a liar. A vicious liar. That was months ago, and there have been no long term effects," Brendon says. He flops into the space between them on the couch and worms an arm around Jon. "I have missed you."
"Have you?" Jon says. Tom shoots him a look, but Jon ignores it, or at least pretends to ignore it. This is just how Brendon is. There is no need for looks. "I wouldn't have possibly noticed without you telling me."
"That's why I told you," Brendon says. "So, tell me, how are things? Is Cassie ready to pop yet?" Jon nearly laughs at the way Brendon asks that question, but he manages to reel it in.
"She's pretty close." Jon laughs and then shrugs his shoulders and says, "I actually feel like I probably shouldn't be here right now."
"Is someone with her now? Maybe you should be home," Brendon says. Jon never actually thought he would hear Brendon say that. It speaks a lot to how far they've come since June.
"I think she wanted me out of her hair. She nearly pushed me out of the apartment. My mom is there now, probably driving her even more crazy than I am. Or maybe they're planning my nonexistent wedding."
"You're getting married? And I'm not invited? I'm offended." Brendon's offended face looks a lot like Brendon's amused face.
"He's not getting married. He's being a complete chickenshit about getting married," Tom says, "and Cassie won't just scream at him about it already."
"It's fine, though, because Cassie has my mom and Tom on her side, so I hear about it enough that I'm never going to be able to forget anyway. Jesus." Marriage talk is starting to get on his last fucking nerve.
Brendon shifts slightly, a little uncomfortably, but doesn't move his arm from around Jon's shoulders. Then he says, "Well, that's good because if I found out you were getting married, I would be heartbroken." He grins a little, laying his head on Jon's shoulder.
Tom gives Jon another look.
Jon is going to say something, maybe even shoot Tom a dirty look right back, when his phone rings. It's his mom. She says, "Cassie's in labor, get here as soon as you can," and then hangs up on him.
He shrugs Brendon away, stands up and says, "I have to go. The baby's coming."
After that he doesn't really remember much. Tom pushes him into the car, and Brendon is behind them, telling Jon to call when they know if it's a boy or a girl and can they come see the baby after the show if they promise to shower?
And then Jon's standing outside of the hospital. He's kind of scared to go in.
-
There's a lot of screaming. Some of it's Cassie and some of it's Jon. In fact, most of it's probably Jon. Cassie has a fucking good grip. He's pretty sure he almost loses an arm at one point, but in the end, it's worth it because there's a little Baby Boy Walker and he's crying and adorable, and Jon doesn't think he could be any happier than he is right now.
They wheel Cassie into recovery and take the baby to the nursery. Jon has sent Tom off somewhere to call everyone they've ever known with the news while he follows Cassie to her new room. It's really not necessary -- she's tired and falls asleep almost right away -- but he's not going to go anywhere.
She wakes up a few times and tries to get Jon to leave, but he insists on staying. Though, one time he does go to the nursery to see the baby.
Sometime a while later, possibly hours, Jon can't actually tell, Brendon comes into the room, grinning, with Spencer and Ryan behind them. Spencer looks excited and Ryan looks as happy as Ryan can look.
"So, where's the baby?" Brendon says. "We want to see him. Tom said it was a boy."
"Do you know what you're going to name it?" Ryan says. "Don't name it Brendon, whatever you do. He's sworn to us he'll get you to name the baby after him. Just don't do it."
"How's Cassie?" Spencer asks, looking over at the bed.
"She's okay. She's tired, and she keeps coming in and out of it. She's trying to make me leave though, so I think she's good." Jon laughs. "How was the show?"
"The show was good. You know," Brendon says. "It was a show. But you're a dad now. That's the important thing."
"Yeah," Jon says. "Yeah." He still can't believe it. He's had months to get used to it, and he's still not sure how it's possible. He's a dad. He has a baby, and he has to raise that baby and be a dad for the rest of his life.
"Are you going to freak out?" Ryan asks. He's still got his stage make up on, and he looks kind of ridiculous. Brendon swore they would shower before they came.
"I'm okay," Jon says. "Yeah, I'm okay."
Cassie makes a muffled sound in her sleep and then turns over in the bed. Jon turns to look at her and sees her blink a couple of times. "Hey," He says and walks closer to the bed.
"Hey," Cassie says with a smile, and then, "Whoa." She blinks, staring. "Who let Panic! at the Disco in? Doesn't this hospital have visitation rules?" Her voice is ragged but teasing, and she obviously doesn't mind seeing them.
"We wanted to see the baby, and the nurse's daughter is a fan," Brendon says. "We told her we would give her autographs and backstage passes the next time we're in town if she'd let us come see our friends. It's awesome being a rockstar."
Cassie rolls her eyes. She's only actually met the guys a couple of times, but she knows how much Jon liked them, and she's answered Jon's phone a few times and talked to Brendon. She gets it, Jon thinks, and she's not going to kick them out.
"Can we see the baby?" Brendon says. He looks like he's trying really hard not to bounce on his heels and maybe clap a little. Jon thinks it's a pretty good effort.
"Come on," Jon says. "I'll take you to the nursery. You'll be okay here by yourself, right Cass?"
She nods and says, "Go, get out of my hair and hang out with your friends. I'm fine. Tell my mom she can come in now." Jon hadn't been told why, but Cassie had thrown her mom out of the delivery room at some point before he got there.
Jon stops by to tell Cassie's mom it's safe now. Brendon is close to Jon, with Ryan and Spencer trailing not far behind them. They get to the nursery, where a bunch of babies are alternately sleeping or crying.
"There, right in the middle," Jon says, pointing through the glass. "That's my son." His son. It's probably never going to get old.
"Wow," Spencer says.
"Yeah." Ryan nods. "You actually have a kid."
"I do," Jon says quietly.
Brendon leans in a little closer to Jon, speaking very quietly, so Ryan and Spencer can't hear. Jon isn't sure if it's on purpose or not. "How does it feel?" Brendon asks.
Jon doesn't answer.
-
Jon feels like he hasn't gotten a full night's sleep in the two months since the baby was born. It's making him kind of restless and antsy and angry at everything. He snaps at the teenagers at work for no reason, mostly because he doesn't want to snap at Cassie. He definitely doesn't want to snap at Alex. Losing his shit at a little baby, at his baby, isn't really ideal, especially when said baby didn't do anything more than exist.
Jon is starting to think he's probably not cut out for fatherhood. As it is, Cassie has kicked him out of the apartment for the night, so he can spend some time with Tom. He suspects Cassie really just wants him out of her hair -- not that he can blame her. He thinks maybe he should kick her out of the apartment one night so she can go out with her friends. She's mostly been hanging around the apartment and with her mom since Alex was born, since she hasn't gone back to work yet.
Hanging out with Tom, however, is turning out to be less fun than changing Alex's diapers.
"So, have you looked at rings yet?" Jon suspects the only reason Tom won't shut up about this whole marriage thing is he knows it gets to Jon.
"No," Jon says. He takes another sip from his beer. "I am not proposing. We're not ready."
"Dude," Tom says, laughing into his glass. "Dude, you and Cass have been together since high school. You have a baby. I think you are more than ready to take that leap. ...Unless." Tom stops, shrugging. He shakes his head and says, "Never mind."
"Unless what?" Jon says.
"Unless," Tom says, holding out a hand to tick off his reasons, "you either a) don't actually love Cassie anymore but feel obligated to stay with her, or b) there's someone else." The two fingers look accusing, especially when Tom adds, "Either of those would be tragic, because Cassie is a saint to put up with you." When Tom gets drunk, Tom thinks he's the wisest person on the planet. Jon isn't sure if Tom is actually drunk right now. He's only had one glass of whiskey, but that definitely sounds like something Tom would say while drunk.
"There isn't anyone else," Jon says. It's ridiculous to think there would be anyone else. Where would he meet someone else? The other people at work are all still in high school, and besides them, he only talks to Tom, Brendon and Spencer.
"Hmm," Tom says. He's pointedly not looking at Jon.
"Hmm, what?" Jon doesn't like that Tom thinks he knows something Jon doesn't know.
"Nothing, just--" Tom shrugs. "Nothing. Nevermind." Tom is getting on Jon's nerves. It's not hard these days, and Jon thinks, right now, that Tom might be the best person to snap at. Maybe he can let it all out and then go home and not feel like he's going to yell at the people he lives with.
"Whatever," Jon says. "I don't know what you're talking about. I'm just not ready to marry Cassie."
"Yeah, okay," Tom says. "Have you talked to Brendon lately?" The question doesn't make sense in the context of their conversation, but Jon assumes Tom is just trying to change the subject. He doesn't blame him.
"A few days ago," Jon says.
Tom just nods. He doesn't say anything else, just swallows down the rest of his whiskey and asks for another. The tone of their conversation is different now, and Jon can't figure out why. Jon's actually pretty sure he doesn't want to know why, but whatever the reason, he doesn't really want to be here anymore. Hanging out with Tom was supposed to make him feel better, but now he feels worse.
He throws some money down on the bar and says, "I'm going home. I have to work tomorrow."
Tom doesn't say anything, doesn't tell Jon not to go or anything like that. Jon takes that to mean that he doesn't actually care.
-
Brendon calls Jon at least once a week. He tells Jon what's going on with the band and asks how Cassie and the baby are doing, and they talk for a little while. Jon's not sure when the phone calls became this frequent, but he doesn't mind. Hearing about the guys and talking to Brendon actually helps a lot. He never thought it would. There was a time when Jon might have been content never to hear the words 'panic' or 'disco' again. There was a time when talking to any of the guys made his chest tighten, when just hearing about them made him think of all the ways his life could have gone.
It's not nearly so bad anymore. It's not that he's stopped thinking about it, it's just that he's settled into his life now. He's doing okay, and he doesn't hate his job. He likes seeing his family every day and seeing Tom all the time. Jon loves his son.
Still, talking to Brendon is pretty much the highlight of his week. Always.
"I'm not kidding, Jon." Brendon laughs into the phone. "He's writing love songs. Ryan Ross is writing actual love songs. I don't really know how to deal with it."
"Wow," Jon says. "I kind of want to meet this Keltie." Brendon has told Jon a few things about Keltie, but the only thing that really sticks is that she makes Ryan happy. It's not that Ryan wasn't happy before, but apparently this is a different kind of happiness, and it makes Brendon ecstatic.
"Anyway, how is Alex? Has he done anything amazing this week?"
"Alex is still doing the things that two-month-old babies do," Jon says. "He's sort of amazed by his fingers. All fingers, actually. He plays with my fingers a lot."
"I want to meet him," Brendon says. "I mean, okay, we saw him the night he was born and everything, but that doesn't count. I want to meet your son, Jon Walker. You should bring him out to Vegas."
"I think I'd have to get Cassie to trust me alone with him first." Jon laughs, rolling his eyes. "You know, she kind of--she's mothering, I guess. I keep telling her that I can handle it, but she wants to do everything."
"That makes sense." Jon can practically see Brendon nodding on the other end of the line. "Well, I guess we'll just have to go to you. Or, I mean, I will. Ryan and Spencer are both sort of busy with their own thing, you know. We don't get much time to ourselves anymore, so I don't blame them."
Panic is on a break. Not a serious break, Brendon had told Jon. They just needed some time to rest and collect their thoughts. They'd done a lot of touring and a lot of everything, and it's time to rest. They're still writing, and they still talk a lot. They're just taking a break, honest.
"You can visit me anytime," Jon says, smiling. "I mean, you might have to sleep on a tiny, cramped sofa, and Cassie might make you do the dishes, but you could come out."
"Fuck that. I'm staying at some fancy hotel. Brendon Urie does not sleep on anyone's sofa." Brendon laughs too soon for Jon to even think that he might be serious.
-
"I think I'm going back to work," Cassie says.
Jon is holding Alex, singing some song that his mom used to sing to him when he was little, and Cassie looks over at him and just says it, without any hesitation.
"Hmm," Jon says. "That's good. Good."
"We could use the money," she says. "You know, maybe we can get a bigger place, like we were thinking. We probably need the room."
"Yeah," Jon says. He's only half paying attention. He's feeling a lot of fatherly pride right now, and he can't stop paying attention to Alex.
"Do you even know what I just said?" Cassie sounds small. She's quiet and there's a soft sigh at the end of the sentence. Jon feels guilty.
"You're thinking about going back to work," he says. "I heard you, Cass."
"Yeah," She says, nodding. "I'm sorry. You were singing to Alex. I'm just being--" She sighs. "Never mind."
Jon doesn't understand what he did. He doesn't know if it's something he did just now, if it's something he did a month ago or something he's been doing for a while. He doesn't let himself think too hard about it, just concentrates on singing to Alex and watching the way his son smiles at him when he hits a really awful note.
-
"So, the break is turning into a hiatus," Brendon says. In fact, it's the first thing he says after Jon mutters his hello into the phone. It's four in the morning, two o'clock Brendon's time. He sounds upset.
"Who is it?" Cassie mutters, doesn't roll over to look at Jon. "Do they know what time it is?"
"It's just Brendon, go back to sleep." Jon gets out of bed. He thinks he hears Cassie sigh into her pillow.
"What is it?" Jon asks, walking into the other room. He doesn't want to wake up the baby.
"I don't know. I guess there's just--" Brendon pauses. "Fuck, I'm sorry. I wasn't even thinking about how late--early, whatever--it was there. I woke you up."
"It's okay," Jon says. "I have to be up in, like, four hours anyway. Tell me what's going on, Brendon."
"I don't know. Everything's all fucked up. I guess we're just kind of." Brendon pauses. "I don't know. I just know the word 'hiatus' was mentioned, and that never leads to anything good."
"You guys were already on a break. This is just going to be a longer break, is all." Jon doesn't actually know what he's talking about. He only knows what Brendon's told him about their creative blocks and desire for time off.
"Yeah," Brendon says. "Yeah, I'm sorry. I guess I just got home and sort of freaked out. There was a band meeting, with Matt on speaker, and the word hiatus, and I just. I freaked out. I'm sorry. Go back to sleep."
"Are you sure you're okay?" Jon doesn't want to hang up if Brendon's about to have some kind of crisis and is going to need someone to talk him down from a ledge.
"Yeah," Brendon says. "Yeah, I'm good now. I'm fine. Go back to sleep, seriously."
Jon thinks he should probably talk to Brendon for a while. He doesn't sound exactly fine, but if Brendon doesn't want to talk about it, he's not going to talk about it.
-
Cassie goes back to work. They have to do a lot of juggling, and Jon has to make sure he can get a pretty set schedule, but Cassie goes back. They can't afford a babysitter, and as much as they would like to just let their moms watch Alex--because God knows their moms want to see Alex whenever possible--Cassie and Jon both decide they would feel bad about expecting their families to take care of him all the time.
So Jon works during the day and Cassie works at night, and they don't actually see each other much anymore. Sometimes they get maybe half an hour between shifts, or they have the same day off, but usually if they're both home, one of them is too tired to put any effort into doing anything together.
It doesn't bother Jon as much as he's sure it should. He's supposed to want to spend time with the woman he loves. He's supposed to miss the mother of his child when he doesn't see her for days at a time.
He isn't sure what it means that he doesn't.
-
"What are you doing right now?" Brendon's voice is on the other end of the phone, but he isn't calling from his cell. It's a Chicago prefix and a number that Jon doesn't recognize.
"I'm working," Jon says. That's not exactly accurate. He's sitting in the corner, drinking a coffee because he doesn't really want to go home yet. He doesn't really have any reason to not want to go home. Cassie isn't angry with him, and he's not angry with her. Everything is fine, but he feels like having a coffee.
"Well, leave early because I'm standing in the middle of O'Hare, and it'd be really nice if someone would come and pick me up."
Brendon is in Chicago. Jon doesn't actually know what to say to that.
"Hello, are you there? Fucking payphones."
"What? No," Jon says. "No, I'm here. What are you doing here?"
"I was bored," Brendon says. Jon thinks there might be a lot more to it than that, but Brendon obviously isn't going to elaborate. "I thought, what can I do? Oh, I'll go see Jon."
"Yeah, okay." Jon is already halfway out the door.
-
In hindsight, maybe Jon should have called Cassie and told her that he was bringing Brendon home with him. He hadn't thought about it, and she seems kind of surprised, and not exactly thrilled. Her smile is tight and she excuses herself almost right away.
"I have to go to work," She says. "I hope I'm not late."
It's probably the start of a fight that's not going to happen. Jon and Cassie have these fights that really aren't because neither of them wants to yell. They just sort of let things bubble at the surface. They don't see each other much, and it's easy to just let things work themselves out. Or maybe they're just letting things get worse.
"Oh, I'm late," Jon says. "I'm sorry."
"It's okay," Cassie says. "I've got half an hour." She grabs the keys off the table and says, "Alex's bottle is ready. Feed him at six. He's taking his nap. He should wake up soon. It was nice to see you again, Brendon." And then she's gone.
"Wow," Brendon says. "Okay." Jon feels like he should make some kind of apology, or offer some kind of an explanation.
Instead, he says, "So, you wanted to see Alex?"
For a split second Jon thinks maybe Brendon is going to ask about what just happened or apologize for showing up unannounced. Instead he puts on a smile and says, "Yes. Let me see the little baby Walker."
"Come on," Jon says, waving a hand for Brendon to follow him to the bedroom. Alex sleeps in a crib next to Jon and Cassie's bed. Jon doesn't want to wake him up because that might be a disaster area, so he just stands over the crib.
"Oh, my God. I think he is the cutest baby I have ever seen." Brendon grins. "I actually still can't believe that you're a dad," Brendon says.
"Yeah," Jon says. "Yeah, sometimes I can't either."
"So, what was that?" Brendon concentrates on looking at Alex, and not Jon. "With, you know, with Cassie. Are you guys okay?"
"We're fine," Jon says. He doesn't want to talk about Cassie. "We're. Yeah, fine. I just should have called her to let her know you were coming, that's all." Jon is grateful when Alex's eyes open and he smiles up at them. "Hey little baby," Jon says, smiling. "Come here." He picks Alex up and starts carrying him into the other room.
"Can I hold him?" Brendon bounces slightly on the balls of his feet.
"You have to promise not to drop him," Jon says. "I don't think Cassie would ever forgive you if you gave our son permanent brain damage."
"Shut up. I won't drop him," Brendon says. "I came here to see the baby, and damn it, I am going to see the baby. That way I can go back and rub it in Spencer and Ryan's faces."
Jon and Brendon sit down on the sofa, and Jon hands the baby over to Brendon. Brendon, as it turns out, is kind of a natural with babies. Alex loves him. Jon watches Brendon mumble things to Alex in baby talk for a while before he says, "So, why are you really here? And don't say it's because you're bored. No one flies half way across the country because they're bored."
"No reason," Brendon says. "I just wanted to see you. Is that so wrong?" Brendon smiles at Jon, but it's all kinds of fake. Jon doesn't call him on it.
-
"Do you even have a camera anymore?" Brendon says. "I mean, you used to have one attached to your person at all times."
They put Alex to bed, and now it's grownup time. Jon wonders if he can use the time to get Brendon to talk about why he's in Chicago. Instead, Brendon is using it to talk about all of the things Jon has been trying not to think about.
"I still have one," Jon says, shrugging. "I think it's in the back of the closet. I don't really have a lot of time for pictures. I mean, Cassie has one that we take pictures of the baby with so we can brag to everyone, but," Jon shrugs again. "I don't know."
"Let's go," Brendon says, standing. "Stand up. We're going to go dig out your camera, and you're going to take a million pictures of stupid things around this apartment, and it's going to be amazing. Especially the pictures of me," Brendon says. "Because, see, if you aren't off being a motherfucking rockstar with us, you are going to have to settle for being the best photographer-slash-barista that you can be."
Jon doesn't know what to say. He hasn't really thought about taking pictures in a long time. At least, not any kind that would actually be considered photography. He supposes there was just too much going on. His head's been too full of rent payments and doctors appointments and Alex and Cassie, and photography just seemed too unimportant.
"Nope," Brendon says, shaking his head. "No, you don't get to do that." Brendon disappears into the bedroom, and Jon hears some loud thumps. A few minutes later Brendon says, "Aha," and he comes out holding a camera case. "Now get to work. You are now my own personal photographer, and I will require of you one picture a week, emailed to me every Friday morning."
"Brendon--"
"No, no excuses. You cannot get out of this. I'll even tell Ryan and Spencer," Brendon says.
Jon doesn't think he could argue with Brendon if he wanted to, so he doesn't try.
-
Brendon only stays for a few days because Jon only has so many personal days he can take and Cassie's going kind of crazy having both of them in the house with a baby. Jon wishes Brendon could stay longer. Having him around has been, well... something.
Jon considers throwing his camera back in the closet and letting it gather dust as soon as Brendon walks out the door. Instead, he takes it to work with him that day, just in case he sees anything interesting.
-
"I hear that Brendon came to visit," Tom says, sitting down next to Jon at the bar. "Interesting."
Jon and Tom try and see each other every couple of weeks, when Cassie has the night off and can stay home with the baby and Tom's not rehearsing with whatever new band he's playing with at the moment.
"How did you know that?" Jon says.
"I have my sources." Tom orders a beer from the bartender and pointedly does not look at Jon. Jon suspects Tom's 'sources' are Cassie. "How was that?"
"It was okay," Jon says. "I'm taking pictures again."
"Really?" Tom never stopped taking pictures. "What made you do that?" Tom doesn't seem very interested in the answer, like maybe he already knows what it is.
"Brendon," Jon says.
"Yeah." Tom nods. "I thought that might be it." Jon doesn't ask him why. He thinks he probably doesn't want to know the answer. "What did Cassie think about him dropping by?"
"I don't know. She doesn't really talk to me much anymore." Jon wishes he could blame her, but he doesn't talk to her much anymore either.
"How's Alex?" Tom says, and Jon knows he's just changing the subject. Maybe he doesn't want to talk about Cassie. Maybe he knows Jon won't say anything.
"He's moved on from being fascinated by his hands to always wanting to play with his feet," Jon says, smiling. If talking about Cassie is the hardest thing in the world, talking about Alex is the easiest.
"That kid," Tom says, laughing. He shakes his head and takes a sip of his beer. "You know, if it's him." He pauses and then says, "Nevermind. It's none of my business."
"What? Who?" Jon wishes he were just playing dumb. He feels like he should know the answer to this question already.
Tom sits, refusing to look at Jon. When he speaks, it's quietly, like maybe saying this is breaking some promise that he's made to himself. "If it's him, if you're only there because of the baby, maybe it's time to take a step back. Do you even love Cassie anymore?"
Jon thinks he does. Then again, he hasn't really taken much time lately to think about it.
-
"Jon," Cassie says. And then, "We need to talk," and Jon knows where this is going. He can't lie and say he hasn't known for a while. That would just be ridiculous, and it wouldn't be doing either of them any favors.
"Yeah," Jon says. "Yeah, okay." It's not worth arguing.
"Jon, I still--" She cuts herself off.
"I know," Jon says. "Me too."
"This is--" Jon doesn't know if Cassie is incapable of finishing her sentences, or if she doesn't want to. "This isn't because of you." It's enough of a lie that Jon feels grateful. She should be blaming him right now. He's fucked up in more ways than one. It is completely, totally, utterly his fault.
"Yeah," Jon says. "Yeah."
"We'll figure something out with Alex." Because that's the most important thing here. Alex is what has been keeping them from breaking completely. Maybe Alex is what started this whole thing to begin with. Jon's not really sure.
He's tried to stop thinking in what ifs.
"Yeah," Jon says. "Okay." He feels like he should maybe argue, fight to keep them with him. It's not worth it though. The ending will be the same.
Cassie packs up her bags and goes to her parent's house that night. She leaves Alex and says they'll be by tomorrow to pick him up. Jon nods and doesn't fight with her on it. There's really no reason.
-
"Cassie left," Jon says. He doesn't usually call Brendon. He usually waits for Brendon to call him first.
The apartment is quiet without Cassie and Alex, though, and he's off today. He would bug Tom to go out and do something, but Tom's out of the city, working on some photography. He's managed to make a job out of it, now that he's not touring. Jon is feeling sorry for himself, and calling Brendon -- it seems like the best thing to do at the moment.
"What?" Brendon sounds shocked. Jon thinks that he's the only one.
"Yeah," Jon says. "I don't know. It's not actually--I mean, we haven't been...you know. It's not that surprising." Jon wonders if Brendon can imagine how defeated he looks, or if he can hear it in Jon's voice. He hopes not. "I don't know. It's been a long time coming."
"Oh," Brendon says. "I'm sorry."
Jon doesn't know what Brendon has to be sorry about, and he almost says that, but he just shrugs. Brendon can't see him, but it doesn't matter. "Yeah." Jon's vocabulary, he realizes, is a lot smaller than it used to be. "So, how is everyone else doing?"
"Oh," Brendon says and then, "Yeah. Matt's coming out to Vegas next week. We're going to try and get started. The three of us have worked on some songs, but I don't know. Nothing seems--" Brendon pauses. "I don't know. Nothing is working."
"It'll work," Jon says, not just to make Brendon feel better but because he believes they'll make it. He knows they will.
"Yeah, maybe." Brendon doesn't sound nearly as convinced as Jon. "I have to go," he says. "We're picking Matt up at the airport and then going into the studio."
Jon almost begs him not to hang up, but he only says, "Yeah. Bye, Brendon." And hangs up the phone.
-
Cassie brings Alex by on a Friday to spend the weekend with Jon. Jon sort of misses having his son around all the time, but if he only gets weekends for now, he'll take it. He feels like an ass for letting it get as far as it did in the first place, so he isn't going to make a big deal about anything with Cassie.
"Hey, Alex." Jon smiles, taking him from Cassie.
"I'll come and get him Monday morning. Are you sure this is okay?" Cassie sets Alex's baby bag down. "I mean--"
"Cass," Jon says, laughing. "It's fine. I've been alone with him before. I know what I'm doing."
"I know." She shakes her head. "No, I'm being silly. Call me if you need anything. Bye, Alex," she says, kissing the top of his head. "Mommy will be back Monday. Be good for daddy."
Jon and Cassie have had a surprisingly friendly breakup. Their breakup may actually be much healthier than their relationship was in the end. Jon is mostly grateful because he doesn't think he could handle some long, drawn out battle over Alex. He doesn't want Alex to have to go through that either.
"Bye, Jon." Cassie waves, smiling at him like she hasn't in a long time, and yeah, things are definitely better this way. Jon is sure of it.
-
"You didn't send me a picture last Friday," is the first thing Brendon says when Jon answers the phone Sunday night.
"No," Jon says, laughing. "I guess I didn't. Cass brought Alex over and I got distracted. I'll send you two next week to make up for it."
"Oh!" Brendon says. "They'd better both be pictures of the baby. Promise me, Jon," Brendon says, forcefully.
"I'll do my best." Jon's already got a stack of film to develop. He's been taking a lot more pictures since Brendon dug out his camera. He hadn't actually thought of how much he's missed photography. He's spent too much of his time missing touring and wishing he were playing and dealing with his life to worry about it.
"You'd better," Brendon says, and then, "Well, that's really all I wanted. To bitch at you for not doing as promised." There's something else on his mind, and Jon can tell. He doesn't push it though. "Go back to Alex."
"Yeah, okay." Jon says. "You know if there's anything else you want to talk about--"
"I know. I'm good." Jon can hear the fake smile in Brendon's voice. "You know I'd totally whine to you if I weren't."
"I know," Jon says. He's not entirely sure that's true.
-
Tom comes to Jon's apartment--the apartment that used to be Jon-and-Cassie's apartment. Jon hasn't bothered to move out of yet. It's not like he needs to find a smaller place. He's not sure he could find a smaller place. It's honestly a wonder that three people ever lived there at the same time, even if one of them was a baby.
"I come with alcohol," Tom says, holding up a six pack. "You look like shit."
"Yeah, I wonder why," Jon says. It's actually not because of Cassie, mostly. Jon still misses her sometimes, and he's always going to love her in some ways. He also knows that things are better this way, for a lot of reasons. He's mostly been upset about not seeing Alex every day.
Also, Brendon hasn't called him in almost three weeks. Jon's not sure why that bothers him so much, but it probably has to do with missing Brendon's gossip. He'd gotten used to hearing about the goings-on in Vegas, and now he's out of the loop. Whatever. It's not that big of a deal. Jon could probably pick up the phone and call Brendon, but if they're busy working on songs, he doesn't want to bother them.
"Well, you need this, then." Tom hands the beer to Jon. "How long has it been since you got completely trashed?"
Jon can't actually remember the last time he was completely trashed.
"Before I found out Cassie was pregnant," he finally says. He figures that's an accurate enough guess. Maybe it was sometime when Panic was on tour with The Academy.
They break open the beers and sit in silence for a while before Tom says, "So, we need to talk about this."
"Talk about what?" Jon's had half a beer, so he doesn't think he's anywhere near drunk enough for whatever Tom wants to talk about.
"You. And Cassie. What the fuck happened?" Tom is looking at the beer in his hands, instead of at Jon.
"I don't know. Things just stopped working," Jon says. "We got in over our heads, I guess. We tried."
"She tried," Tom says. And yeah, Jon's not nearly drunk enough for this conversation. "You just sort of went with it. Don't say that's not true. I was there."
"I don't know," Jon says, because he doesn't. He can't bring himself to admit that it's the truth, even if he knows it is.
"Does this have anything to do with Brendon?" Tom asks. Jon doesn't know what to do with that question. It doesn't make sense to him. Why would it have anything to do with Brendon? Instead of answering Tom, he chugs the rest of his beer and opens another. He needs more alcohol.
"Hmm," Tom says. "Yeah. I thought so."
"It doesn't have anything to do with Brendon," Jon says into his bottle. "Why the fuck would it have anything to do with Brendon?"
"I don't know. You tell me." Tom gives Jon a look that he can't quite read. He hates that. He used to be able to read Tom's looks.
"I don't know. Brendon's like-" Jon pauses, shrugging. "Whatever, Brendon's a friend. We talk a lot. It's not like--No. Whatever you're thinking, just--It's not."
"Yeah," Tom says. "Yeah, okay."
Tom doesn't seem to believe him. Jon opens another beer and doesn't bother trying to figure out why.
-
Jon can't get Alex to stop crying. In fact, every time he tries out an idea, he thinks he's just making Alex cry harder. He doesn't know what to do. Cassie is at work and his mom isn't answering her phone, and fuck if Tom would know how to make a baby stop crying. He would probably suggest alcohol.
Jon's phone rings, and he curses whoever it is under his breath as he goes to answer. Alex just cries louder. He tries to find it so he can turn it off, hang it up, anything to make the ringing stop. It's Brendon, so he answers.
"Brendon, hi. I'm kind of--"
"Oh, is Alex there? I'm sorry. I'll just call back later," Brendon says.
"No, it's fine. He's just." Jon sighs. "I think he misses Cass. I can't get him to stop crying."
"Have you tried singing to him? When I was kid my dad used to sing to me, and it always calmed me down." Jon has tried that. Jon's tried that more than once, although he appreciates that Brendon is trying to help.
"Yeah, um, it didn't really work." Jon's pretty much accepted the fact that nothing is going to work. Alex is never going to stop crying, at least not until Cassie comes to pick him up, and this is Jon's punishment for fucking things up with her.
"Can I try?" Brendon sounds excited. "Seriously, put it on speaker. I want to try. I've got a better voice than you do. I'll bet my voice totally soothes babies."
"Um," Jon says. He's pretty sure that it's a long shot. But a long shot is better than no shot at all. "You realize this is kind of insane, right? You're not even here."
"So? You want him to stop crying, don't you?" If Brendon were there, Jon knows he would be tilting his head, hands on his hips. "Speakerphone, Jon."
Jon sighs. "Okay, but I still think this is insane." He goes over to Alex's crib and takes the phone away from his ear, putting it on speaker. "If this works, I swear," Jon says under his breath. He feels ridiculous right now, but he's desperate, and Brendon's offering.
"Hey, little baby Walker," Brendon says. "Okay, here goes." He sings something quiet that Jon doesn't recognize. Maybe something they're working on for the new album, maybe some song Brendon's dad used to sing to him. Jon doesn't know, but it actually seems to be working. Alex is still crying, but it's softer now and much, much quieter, and he's reaching out for the phone. Jon thinks it's ridiculous and kind of adorable. He's also kind of annoyed that Brendon can make his son stop crying from halfway across the country, and he can't do it from a few feet away.
"Did it work?" Brendon asks when he's finished singing. "It totally worked. I am so awesome."
"Yeah," Jon says. He takes the phone off speaker and puts it back to his ear. "You're also ridiculous. I can't believe that worked."
"I can. Didn't I tell you it would work? You owe me. I don't know what you owe, but you owe me something, and I'm going to make you pay up the next time I see you." Jon imagines that Brendon looks completely self-satisfied on the other end of the line. It's the most annoying thing to come out of this whole conversation.
"If you say so," Jon says. "It's been a while since you called."
"Yeah. We've been busy. We're recording some things. I don't know. I don't think we're going to end up using any of it. We can never--" Brendon pauses, and Jon would say something to make him feel better, but he doesn't know what. "I guess we're just butting heads a lot, that's all. I mean, not all of us. But." It's an unfinished thought that Jon gets the feeling Brendon doesn't want to finish.
"You'll be fine," Jon says. "Just give it time." It's shitty advice, but Jon doesn't know what else to say.
"Yeah," Brendon says. "Yeah, I should do that."
Alex is still quiet. Jon owes Brendon something really awesome the next time they see each other.
"How are you holding up?" Brendon says. "You seem kind of--" Jon doesn't know what the rest of that sentence is because Brendon stops himself. He can't imagine what the rest of it could be. He doesn't think he's acting any differently than normal. At least not any differently than he would normally act with Brendon over the phone.
"I'm fine." Jon is fine. He's perfectly fine. "I'm just thinking."
"About?"
"I don't know. Things." Jon doesn't know what makes him say what he says next, but he says it, and he can't exactly take it back. "Tom thinks you have something to do with Cassie and me. You know..."
"What?" Brendon sounds shocked. "Why does he think that?" Jon thinks he catches a hint of caution in Brendon's voice. Maybe he's afraid of the answer. Jon's kind of afraid of the answer himself.
"I don't know. He didn't say," Jon says. It's only partly a lie. Tom said enough that Jon could figure out what he meant--at least, he figured it out after a few more beers and a few lattes the next morning.
"Oh." Brendon sounds almost disappointed. Jon doesn't want to think about what that means either. "I have to go. We're back in the studio today," Brendon says. "I'll talk to you later."
"Yeah, bye Brendon."
-
"Your dad," Jon says the next day, "your dad, Alex, is an asshole." Jon is holding Alex in his arms, feeding him. He's still thinking about that phone call with Brendon. It's kind of silly, and Jon knows he's being lame, but he keeps running over a million possible conversations in his mind--with Tom and Cassie and Brendon. He can't figure out what his problem is, other than the simplest answer.
He's an asshole.
"I'll explain why when you're much much older," he says. "Your mommy wouldn't appreciate me going into all the details now. Not that you have any clue what I'm saying right now." Jon shakes his head, laughing at himself. "Jesus Christ, I'm talking to a six-month-old baby."
Jon is pretty sure this is what most people consider losing your mind. If he didn't think Tom would start rambling about Brendon again, he might call and ask him to stop by. If talking to Brendon wasn't what was causing him to go insane in the first place, Jon might call him, no matter that Brendon is back in the studio working now.
He could maybe call Spencer and ask if Brendon's been acting like a crazy person, too, but that also leads back to Brendon.
So, six-month-old it is.
"So, Alex. Tell me about your day."
Jon sighs. He really is losing his mind.
-
Cassie is gathering up Alex's things from around the apartment. Somehow they've been scattered everywhere, even though Jon really only had him on the sofa and in the crib (and once, very briefly, in the kitchen). Jon's messy. He can't help it.
It's not that they're not speaking to each other. It's just that neither of them really knows what to say anymore. At least, Jon never knows what to say to Cassie, and he assumes it's mutual. They've got so much history that includes having a child together, and everything sort of fell apart when he wasn't paying attention.
What can a person possibly say to that?
"What happened between us?" Is what Jon settles on. He doesn't actually mean to say it. It just comes out before he can stop himself.
"What?" Cassie hasn't been paying attention. She's busy looking for Alex's hat. (Jon hid it in the closet. It's ugly. His son does not need to wear ugly hats.)
"Us, you know. I didn't mean for..." He says, quietly. "What happened?"
"Jon," Cassie sighs and gives up looking for the hat in favor of sitting down on the sofa. "I don't know. I guess I just woke up one day and realized that it wasn't getting any better."
"Is it because of Brendon?" Jon doesn't mean to say that either. He really, really doesn't mean to say that. "Tom thinks it was because of Brendon." He feels the need to justify bringing Brendon into it at all.
Cassie isn't looking at him. "I don't know. Should it have been because of Brendon?"
"I--" Jon doesn't know. He has no clue what the answer to that question is. A month ago, he would have said no, without hesitation, but after Tom, and now Cassie, he's been having a lot of thoughts. "I don't know."
"Then yeah," She says. "The fact that you don't know, that tells me he probably was."
"Yeah," Jon says. He thinks he probably knew that all along, but he kind of wishes he didn't.
-
"So, yeah." Brendon is standing at Jon's door holding nothing but a small duffel bag. "I don't know. Matt had to go home for a few days, so we're taking a week off. I came here," he says.
Jon's surprised to see Brendon. He's mentioned coming back to Chicago a few times in the last few weeks. Jon just didn't think it was going to be now.
"Come in," Jon says, stepping aside so Brendon can walk in and put down his bags. He stands at the door for a moment, still unable to believe Brendon is here now, before turning to him. "You can sleep on the sofa, unless you'd rather find a hotel."
"No." Brendon shakes his head, falling down on the sofa and stretching out. "No, this will be fine."
Jon doesn't ask why he isn't back in Vegas with Ryan and Spencer.
-
"Jon." Jon hears his name, vaguely. He's not really awake, but he definitely gets the feeling that someone is tapping him on the shoulder. "Jon, wake up." It sounds like Brendon.
"Hmmph?" Jon thinks that response resembles words, somehow.
"Jon, are you awake?" Brendon obviously already knows the answer to that, but Jon thinks about ignoring him, just to be difficult. "Jon."
Jon sighs, opening his eyes, and says, "I'm awake. What time is it?"
"I don't know. Like three? I can't sleep. The sofa is not as comfortable as I remember." Brendon laughs under his breath. "I was just wondering if I could--"
Jon doesn't know how, in his half-sleeping state, he knows what Brendon wants, but he does. He slides over to let Brendon join him in the bed. There's more than enough room for two people to sleep comfortably, even if Brendon wasn't huddling close to Jon.
"What's wrong?" Jon asks. He doesn't expect an answer, but he wants to ask all the same.
"Tomorrow," Brendon says. "I'm tired now."
Jon just nods slightly and goes back to sleep.
-
Jon comes home from work the next afternoon to find that Brendon has busied himself cleaning...everything. Jon's had dishes in the sink for a week, and they're gone now. Brendon's apparently cleaned the bathroom and the closet, too.
"Um." Jon wants to ask what Brendon is doing cleaning his apartment, but he's too shocked by the sight to get the words out. "What--"
"Oh. Sorry. Did you know your apartment was a fucking mess?" Brendon picks up a shirt and smells it, making a face. "Seriously, it's gross." Brendon is just as messy and dirty as Jon, as a general rule.
"Um," Jon says. He still isn't sure what's going on.
"I clean when I have too much on my mind. Sorry," Brendon says, shrugging. "It's a thing. You should have seen my apartment back when my parents first--It was pretty spotless most of the time."
"Do you want to tell me what has you cleaning my apartment?" The look on Brendon's face tells Jon that the answer is no. He's not surprised at all when Brendon goes into the bedroom instead of answering his question. "Yeah, I didn't think so."
"Seriously, Jon. Do you ever clean your apartment?" Brendon calls from the other room.
Jon doesn't think he's that much of a slob, but hey, if Brendon wants to finish cleaning up instead of talking, who is Jon to argue?
-
Brendon has been at Jon's apartment for three days. He still hasn't said what's bothering him, and he ran out of things to clean sometime yesterday afternoon. He's managed to drink some of Jon's beer, but it hasn't made him any more willing to talk. Jon considers waking him up and trying to get it out of him when he's half asleep, but he doesn't get the chance because Cassie is there with Alex.
Jon buzzes her up and lets her in.
"I don't have long," she says, handing Alex over to Jon and dropping all of the baby stuff on the sofa. "Is someone here?" There are blankets and a pillow on the sofa, and Brendon's bag is sitting just outside the bedroom door.
"Brendon's--"
"Oh," Cassie says. "Where is he?"
"He's in bed," Jon says. He doesn't mean to, and he regrets the words pretty much as soon as they're out of his mouth. "I mean--"
"No," Cassie says. "No, you don't have to explain, Jon."
"No, I mean, he's just sleeping. We're not--I mean, we're sleeping. That's all." Jon tries not to sound guilty. He has nothing to feel guilty about. At least, that's what he keeps telling himself.
"Seriously, Jon. You don't have to explain. Really, I don't care what you do," Cassie says, shaking her head. "I have to go. Call me if you need anything, and don't, you know. Just watch him."
Jon isn't actually sure what Cassie means by that, but he promises to do so, and sees her out. He'll work on explaining Brendon later.
-
"I love this little baby," Brendon says. He's feeding Alex. "He looks like you. You know, if you were tiny and bald. And cried a lot."
"I do cry a lot," Jon says. "I'm just really good about hiding my pain in front of you." He grins. "It's a good skill to have."
"Yes, you seem to be one of the most tormented people I have ever met. You give Ryan a run for his money," Brendon says and then turn to Alex. "Your dad is kind of lame." Brendon nods and makes a face at Alex. "You're going to be calling him a jerk and a tool the second you learn how to talk. I'll bet your first words are going to be 'my dad is a tool.'"
"You're wrong. My son's first words are going to be 'why is Uncle Brendon such a douche?'" Jon is probably lucky Brendon is holding Alex, or he would be getting attacked right now, in some form or another.
"I am not a douche. I'm awesome. Alex knows. He's going to cry when I leave," Brendon says. "Aren't you, Alex?"
"The sad thing is, that's probably true." Jon laughs, quietly. "I think he might respond better to you than he does to me. I honestly don't understand it."
"You just don't have the Urie touch, is the thing. It's okay. We weren't all born lucky," Brendon says, seriously.
"I guess so." Jon wants to change the subject, to find out what Brendon's doing here and why he won't talk about it, but he can't bring himself to do it. Not right now. He's going to have to at some point, though. He knows he is.
-
It's a Sunday.
Alex is asleep in his crib, next to Jon's bed. Jon can't sleep. Brendon has been talking on the phone for about an hour. Jon assumes to Ryan or Spencer because he can hear Brendon in the other room saying things like "break" and "soon" and "what if we can't?" Then he says, "Yeah, Wednesday, bye," and it's a few minutes before he comes into Jon's room and crawls into the bed next to him.
"That was Ryan," Brendon says. "I'm going to sleep in here tonight." Jon doesn't say anything either way. It goes without saying that Brendon can sleep in his bed. He's never really bothered asking since the first night.
"I told him I was coming back Wednesday." Brendon laughs, quietly. It doesn't quite reach his eyes. "I'll be out of your hair in a few days. I'm sure you're thrilled." Jon isn't. He likes having Brendon around.
"I'm sorry," Brendon says. It comes out of nowhere, and Jon doesn't understand why Brendon is apologizing. He hasn't done anything wrong.
"For what?" He wonders if Brendon is going to talk to him now.
"For barging in on you," Brendon says. "I'm sort of making a habit of it. Also, for screwing up your time with Alex. I know you don't see him every day, or even once a week."
"It's okay," Jon says. "Alex loves you."
"I also cleaned your apartment against your will, invaded your personal sleeping space and refused to talk to you about anything that actually matters." Jon wonders if talking to Ryan has made Brendon feel like sharing. He's content to just let Brendon talk, without actually asking for anything. He doesn't want to make it look like he's been dying to hear what's happening in Vegas, even if he actually has been.
"My apartment appreciates it, I think. It hasn't been this clean since Cass and I moved in," Jon says. "And you haven't been bothering me with the personal space thing. I would have kicked you out of my room if it was a big deal." He doesn't say anything about Brendon not talking to him.
"I don't think we're going to make it." It takes Jon a minute to realize that Brendon means the band and not Brendon-and-Jon. Not that there's a Brendon-and-Jon to make it or not make it. "We keep having to take these breaks. Matt's--" Brendon sighs. "I don't know, he's good, but he's got different ideas than us, and we keep--I don't know. I don't think this album is ever going to get made."
Jon doesn't know what to say to that. Brendon is justifiably worried about his band, about his livelihood, but bands have rough patches all the time, and no one is more deserving of success than Brendon, Spencer and Ryan.
"I'm sorry. You didn't ask to be brought into all of my stupid, ridiculous issues. I didn't mean to dump it on you." Brendon sighs. "That's not why I came here, Jon. I promise."
"Why did you come here?" Jon doesn't know why he's asking. Brendon came to Chicago because it's a safe place. He knows Jon isn't going to ask a lot of questions, and he knows Jon's been in bands before and knows how it is.
"I don't know. I wanted to see you," Brendon says. "I guess I just like coming here when everything gets to be too much there, you know?" Jon isn't sure, but he thinks Brendon moves just a little closer. It's so slight that Jon wonders if Brendon even notices. "You...I don't know. It's better here. I don't worry so much."
"Yeah," Jon says. "Well, you can come here whenever. You're always welcome." Jon means it, completely. He kind of wants Brendon here as much as possible.
"Thanks," Brendon says. It seems to be the end of the conversation. Jon thinks Brendon might have fallen asleep until he says, "Jon, can I tell you something?"
"Yeah," Jon says. "You can say anything you want."
"I think it would have been different," Brendon says. "If we had you. If you'd joined the band. It would be so much easier. I know it would be." Jon knows that Brendon isn't trying to make him feel bad, and he mostly doesn't feel bad. He made his choices and did what he thought he had to do, and his life isn't bad.
"You don't know that," Jon says. "There's no way to know that."
"You fit." Brendon sounds completely sure of himself. "You fit with us in this weird way that Matt doesn't. That's why we asked you first. It felt right with you on stage with us. I just think it would be better."
"Do you know what I think?" Jon says, and then everything comes rushing out. "I think that you guys are going to be fine. I think it's hard right now, but you all want it, and Matt's a good guy. You'll work it out, and then you'll make an album, and it will be amazing." Jon isn't sure if he believes it, isn't sure that it's really that easy. He thinks it's making Brendon feel better though, and that's enough for him. "You'll call me every day and tell me how amazing it is, and I'll come see you when you're in Chicago. It's going to be awesome."
"Do you think so?" Jon can feel Brendon smiling more than he can see it in the dark, Brendon's so close to him. "Be honest with me."
"I really think so." Jon says. "And if I'm wrong, you can move to Chicago and live on my sofa, rent free."
"Wait, I have to move to the sofa? But I'm so comfortable here," Brendon says. "I can't just keep sleeping in your bed?"
"Only famous rockstars get to share my bed. Sorry," Jon says with a sigh. "You're just going to have to deal with that."
"Well, I guess I have to stay a rockstar one way or another because your bed is really comfortable." Brendon pauses. "You could be wrong."
"I'm not wrong, Brendon. I'm never wrong." Jon is wrong a lot of the time, but Brendon doesn't have to know that.
Brendon laughs and then says, "You're lying, but thanks anyway. This is why I come here. I want to be witness to your infinite toolness." Brendon goes quiet, and Jon can feel his face falling. "Seriously though, Jon. Thank you."
"For what?" Jon doesn't think he did anything spectacular.
"You know what. Don't be an ass," Brendon says. "I think I can actually sleep now, but I'm still not going anywhere."
"I wouldn't ask you to," Jon says. "Even when you're not a rockstar, I probably won't kick you out of bed. I did lie about that."
Brendon laughs. Jon hopes he's right about Panic. He knows that he could very well be wrong, but he wants to be right. Maybe Brendon is right and everything would be different if he had joined the band, if Alex didn't exist. Maybe if Cassie hadn't gotten pregnant, he would have joined the band. They might all be together, touring and playing music. Maybe Jon would even still be with Cassie.
But this is the way it happened, and Jon doesn't think he would change it for anything.
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Date: 2008-06-16 07:40 pm (UTC)no subject
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Date: 2008-06-18 04:49 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-06-18 03:17 am (UTC)But really, I love everything about this. There needs to be more Jon/Brendon in the world and your characterizations are just fantastic. ♥ love this, love you, love love love.
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Date: 2008-06-18 04:51 am (UTC)I'm really glad that you liked it.
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Date: 2008-06-19 08:35 pm (UTC)All that said....SHIRLEY!!!!!!!! Oh my heart. Baby Alex! The inevitable breakup! Brendon Urie's fucking FACE! Just. I loved this to bits.
Great job sweetie!
♥♥♥
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Date: 2008-06-21 12:43 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-06-20 06:14 pm (UTC)this whole thing is really just so realistic and I love it to bits. amazing writing!
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Date: 2008-06-21 12:45 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-06-22 05:54 am (UTC)::clings to the fact that Panic DOES have a Jon Walker and that life is good and that someday Jon WILL be a dad and it will be the cutest thing ever, but not for a long time::
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Date: 2008-11-21 10:45 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-11-22 04:50 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-11-10 04:57 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-11-21 10:45 pm (UTC)